Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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