4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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