u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
