I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
