my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
