having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Well I just put wine in my tea
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
