Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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