his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
