I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
