maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
