if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I want to have your abortion
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize