Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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