i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize