My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
