so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
