the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I lost the right to judge tonight
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize