so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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