Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
