remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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