i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
