fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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