I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
