He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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