My Higher Power is John Stamos
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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