I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize