I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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