Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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