she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
