Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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