Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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