we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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