Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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