Plan B is the new Plan A
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
