i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
