those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize