you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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