Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize