i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
