I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
