I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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