I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
