I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
