Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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