he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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