Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he shaved USA in his pubs
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
