it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Randomize
