Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
