Fine. I'll sleep in my office
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
