My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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