yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
