my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
