How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
