so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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