So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
