Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
