Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
