you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
