I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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