oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
