Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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