She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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