I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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