When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
